The Imposter Burger: Some call it “Salsa Verde”

“Get extra of those big basil leaves for the burgers.”

That was the text I got on Monday. No explanation. There had been a build up to this moment, but it mostly involved a flashback to 8^th grade (or at-any-state-in-life) and mentions of “bringing the meat.”

What happened next wasn’t really about your classic, even-COVID-infused cookout. It was about deception. Things not being what they might appear. Like the way people used to react to Houdini or David Copperfield or Waylon Flowers and Madam — with all the surprise of “no way!”

In this case, let me just say, “There’s no way that this ‘Salsa Verde’ burger is legit.”

Except it was. And it was legit enough that I’ve dusted off my keyboard and am writing about it for burger lovers who want to know. 

But don’t force me to be the judge… You can be the judge (no really, you can pretend that the judge lines are yours):

Defense: Your honor, my client is on trial today simply because it was different. No more, no less. Not because it committed a crime. Not because it had some “impossible beef” with a touchy cow cuddler. No, it’s crime – if we can even call it that – was that in its cleverness and brilliance, it was… what it was.

Prosecution: Objection, your honor… on the grounds of, well, a burger doesn’t have free will. It’s not what it is. It’s what its maker creates it to…

Burger: As are we all, isn’t that right, your eminence?

Judge: Did you just call me your eminence?

Defense: I believe that was the burger, your honor. You see there? It’s kind of moving its bun up and down, in an uppy, downy way.

Burger: Your precious, all it ever wantsed was to run and jump like the other quarter-pounders. To wear its watermelon slice with pride. To be free, to sing… 

Prosecution: Your honor, this thing is guilty of impersonatin’ an All-American, beef burger! And that, I believe, is clearly a crime, at least in the state of Texas. And if it ain’t a crime here, it should be.

Judge: Counsel, can we agree that America – the adopted home of the burger – is a great big old melting pot? Bring us your American, your Cheddar, your favorite sauces, yearning to make your palette happy. 

Prosecution: Your honor, if we let them commie, progressives put fontina cheese and watermelon on a burger, where does the blasphemy end? Where does the madness end…?

[Fade to a vision of Atticus Finch defending the noble Salsa Verde…]

Evidently, the madness can end in your stomach, because this imposter burger is clever and a nice balance of flavors that look and play like a regular burger, but in the end, they are ingredients that few mortals dare to mix for a backyard cookout.

Would this face try and serve you something … unnatural?

So, first and foremost, a shout out to Adam AlNaggar, local good guy who whipped this recipe out for a Labor Day cookout.

• Flowers sesame seed burger buns
• Fontina cheese
• A round (bun-sized) cut of watermelon
• Large basil leaf
• Salsa Verde – don’t get fooled, this salsa verde had more avocado than tomatillo. It’s really salsa verde (of your choosing) mixed with enough avocado to make its consistency more like a … guacamole, but without the red stuff…

When you mix all these ingredients, it provides an interesting facsimile of a typical burger taste, but it’s mixed up enough to be weirdly surprising and interesting…

• Bun is a bun – but toast them on the grill!
• Fontina cheese – is creamier and melts well, but it also has a sweet-ish side, unlike the typical cheeses
• Watermelon – does a nice tomato imitation, bringing more sweetness
• Basil – it’s your spicy lettuce
• Salsa Verde – this sucker carries a lot of flavor weight. It’s basically the mayo and parts of other condiments

In this burger, other instruments in the symphony play different parts than you might expect. Watermelon looks like a tomato, but it also brings some of the sweet of ketchup. The salsa verde brings the fat/creaminess of the mayo. The basil brings the lettuce, and some of the zing of mustard.

And in all this posturing and trickery, the burger just does its thing – being tasty! A nice, comfortable role for the old hunk of seasoned hamburger.

Alas, there were no wandering vegetables in the neighborhood that wanted to be dressed up and presented as fries. But there were jalapeno poppers, and other deliciousness.

So, kudos. And more kudos, to Adam. A very fun and surprisingly effective take on the burger that both surprises and doesn’t let you down.

I’m not sure where to tell you to get your own version, but you can always give it a shot on your own. That would be the American – Salsa Verde it ain’t – way.